Hey guys! I wrote this article back in January, then felt like it needed to wait a while. I asked my friend Tyler to read through it and offer his thoughts. He's dealing with similar things right now and I really appreciate his advice and wisdom. So occasionally you'll see a note from Tyler. I hope this is enlightening and thought provoking!
Every night before we go to bed, the kids and I have our special routine. First, they take turns getting tucked in. Madi likes to pray, then sing. Adam likes to sing, then pray. Madi is old enough to pray herself. We have a few things we always pray about, then depending on what the day brought us, we will add in other things.
I feel it's important for the kids to develop their own thoughts and opinions about people. So we don't talk negatively about people. If you remember, that's one of my own personal standards and it's one I strive to teach my kids to develop as well.
“So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.”
1 Thessalonians 5:11 NLT
Note from Tyler: One thing I’m fascinated by is the Pygmalion effect, in which when you encourage or believe in people their performance is better, bringing out the best in everyone is possible just by believing in the best of everyone. Here's a link if you're interested in checking it out. Just one way psychology coincides with how we are asked to live.
Pygmalion Effect
I really don't have any communication at all with the kid’s dad anymore. His girlfriend has been willing to communicate when needed and she's been very sweet to me when I see her in public. I really appreciate it, more than she realizes. So any information I hear about their dad is usually from the kids and occasionally from his girlfriend.
I have a lot of regret for my behavior when my ex and I initially separated almost a year ago. I definitely used the kids to get information about their dad and what he was doing. I was very insecure and would speak negatively to the kids about him all the time. I was angry and hurt to see my ex move on so quickly, and I wanted everyone to think I was in the right and doing the right thing. In reality, I was still actively involved in life of sin and still spiraling down into the pit. For some reason getting info from the kids that I could hold against their dad and gossip about, made me feel more in control and more validated in my choice to live my life however I wanted. It wasn't fair to drag the kids into my emotional distress. I was not respecting their boundaries out of my own insecurity.
Children, and people in general, need the chance to develop their own thoughts. I don't want to project my own conclusions about people onto the kids. It doesn't matter if the other person is emotionally detached or if their priorities are completely different than what I consider to be healthy, godly priorities. The kids still need their dad in their life. He's still setting the standard for what it looks like to be a godly man, even if he doesn't realize it. A failed marriage relationship should not ever come in the way of the kids having a relationship with their dad. Whether it’s what I think it should be or not. They deserve to be involved in each other’s lives!
How do we do this?
I always ask the kids about their day. I ask what their favorite part of the day was and I ask if they could change one thing, what would it be. We have had some cool conversations! They are so smart!
No matter what they tell me, I don't ever pry. If there is something they are upset about, we pray about it and talk about how we can respond if it happens again.
Some phrases I use are:
"Hmm that's interesting"
"How do you feel about that?"
"How's your heart?"
Kids are perceptive, but are also very mold-able. I try not to dwell on one situation for long. Kids also tend to have an intense desire to please their parents. I've noticed if I talk about something too much, Madi will start saying what she thinks I want to hear, rather than what she's actually feeling or what actually happened. Or she will shut down completely. It's so important to respect your kid’s boundaries! Not to force them to talk about something or force them to believe or feel the same way you do about someone.
Note from Tyler: Or something for that matter? I know Jason (Tyler's son) likes things that I don’t like or doesn’t like things that I like. I make it a point to respect his thoughts, opinions and interests as an individual, simple things like sports, activities, music etc. It is easy to want to shape a child to like the things you like but I think it is important to invest in things they like even if you don’t. For example one of the biggest things I liked about growing up is that even though my father wasn’t into Japanese sports cars, he took an interest for my sake so that we would spend time together. One semi-related article I found:
Keep an open door of communication, but don't force it.
Note: An exception to this is if you're noticing drastic mood changes, and signs of abuse. Then seek help immediately to know what questions to ask and what to be looking for.
I've been so blessed that, in all this, I've never had to deal with those kinds of abuse. The kid’s dad loves them very much and I know he would never intentionally harm them.
So, here is how our prayer time goes at night. Madi always repeats everything I say.
Me: Dear God
Madi: Dear God
Me: Thank you for the day. Thank you for how powerful you are. Thank you for your mercy and grace.
Madi: Thank you for the day. Thank you for how powerful you are. Thank you for your mercy and grace.
(For the sake of space, I'm just going to continue with the prayer and not show her repeating. But just know that she repeats everything I pray as we continue.)
Prayer: Thank you for speaking to our hearts today. Thank you for daddy, and the girls (we always say his girlfriend’s name and her two daughter’s names. Madi always giggles at this part. She loves her sissies so much)
Thank you for mommy and Adam and me! Please speak to daddy's heart. Help him to seek you. Show him your love. Help him to be a godly leader to all the people in his life who he loves. Show them what it looks like to be your children. Help mommy to seek you, too and to be a godly leader to Adam and me. And help me to seek you, too.
Madi prays that! Every night! I'm not making this up! She amazes me!
Her heart is so tender. She loves her big family so very much. It's unique and different. I want her to develop healthy relationships with people. This will only happen if I'm being respectful of her boundaries and allowing her to develop her own feelings and opinions. I want her to learn to love others, encourage others, respect others and individuals with their own opinions, passions, and convictions. I believe the best way to do this is to be the best example I can be which includes valuing my children as individuals with thoughts, passions, opinions and convictions of their own!
Speak life!
This is so good! So applicable to parents but also people in general on how we should be treating others!
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