Skip to main content

When My Heart Is Overwhealmed




I live on my own with my two beautiful children. I love it. I love having our own space and I love having our established routine. We all look forward to it and it provides the consistency and security the children and I have so desperately needed these past few years.
About twice a month we jump into what feels like someone else’s life. Trying to be a big happy family, mothering an extra child, trying to cram in all our normal weekend activities while still attempting to connect with my spouse and caring for my own children’s hearts as well.
I stress about my finances, trying to make sure I’m set up to do it all on my own in case anything changes with child support or in case something changes with my relationship status and I’m left to do it alone.
It’s a lot to process. It feels like everyone just assumes everything is all good and I’m fine.  
I’m not fine.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed and frustrated. I want to be able to rest and I don’t get to. Any time I get a chance for mental or physical rest, I get bombarded with other responsibilities and I feel a lot of pressure to make everything perfect for everyone in my life. I have to keep going and pretend everything is ok. Act like this is normal.
So I distance myself and deal with it all alone. There don’t seem to be many people who fully understand what this feels like. I get pulled in so many different directions on a daily basis and I never feel like I’m doing enough or that it’s good enough. It’s not how I imagined it would be.
It’s been a rough week, month and year. I’m thankful for God’s grace in these moments of doubt and frustration. He says I’m good enough. He says I’m worthy. He says I’m redeemed.
Just sitting here trying not to lose it. Trying to keep it together for another day. Another couple hours. Even just a few more minutes. I know there will be rest.
Things will be ok in the end. And if it’s not ok yet, then it’s not the end. I know God has a purpose in this wrestling. I’ll see it one day.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Introduction To Immeasurably More

Hey Guys! I'm assuming if you're reading this, you're hoping to learn a little about what's been going on in my life the past few months. You may be hoping for all the dirty details. You may know half of one side of the story. Or we may be new friends and you have no idea what I'm talking about. Look, I'm not going to guarantee that you'll go away from here knowing my entire life story. In fact, you'll probably only get a small portion of my past and only if it's necessary for back story to make a point. Everything is useful to God. Even choices that we regret and wish we could change are used by Him to mold and shape us and bring us closer to Him. I'm not going to talk negatively or put down others. Every one has to learn things their own way and in God's timing. It's taken God almost 7 years to fully get my attention. God has laid so much on my heart and I feel it's time for me to open up and share with you guys. If my testimony...

Helping A Friend Through Divorce

Goodness this is tough to write. For a few reasons.  I feel like a failure. Shameful. Guilty. Stressed. Overwhelmed. Less than.  God please help me to only say what is needed.  Help me to be wise. Thoughtful. Loving. Considerate. Truthful, but gaurded.  Let’s jump right in. Don’t pry I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at church, work, the grocery store or wherever and someone asks me what happened. Some people are well meaning and actually do care and want to encourage. Some are just being nosy. In the two minutes I have to chat with you, I’m not going to be able to articulate what happened. You caught me off guard. I’m going to give you an answer that doesn’t give you much information at all. Please respect that.  Why you ask? The decision to go through with a divorce is one I’ve wrestled with for over a year.  It’s taken a long time to come to terms with it. Sleepless nights, begging God to speak out and tell me what to...

The Struggle Is Real

Hot dang! I thought these days were behind me. God has been teaching me so much lately. Everything has seemed to be on the right track for a couple months and His word has been speaking so loudly to me, confirming that I'm on the right track. Then today happened. Nothing really specific happened. It really was a good day with the kids. We had such great time together! Then insecurity and anger crept in like the jerk it is. Add a sappy song and it's a perfect recipe for disaster. What in the world!? I think there will just be bad days some times. Fighting the urge tonight to do anything I'll regret. It's hard. The struggle is so real! I'm thankful I have the kids tonight. Thankful I have my parent's to talk me through these emotions. Thankful that Christ Himself has experienced all the same trials He asks me to endure. He goes ahead of me in each situation. Also walks beside me, helping me along. Tonight is one of those lay-on-the-floor-and-cry-out-for-help...