I live on my own with my two beautiful children. I love it.
I love having our own space and I love having our established routine. We all
look forward to it and it provides the consistency and security the children
and I have so desperately needed these past few years.
About twice a month we jump into what feels like someone
else’s life. Trying to be a big happy family, mothering an extra child, trying
to cram in all our normal weekend activities while still attempting to connect
with my spouse and caring for my own children’s hearts as well.
I stress about my finances, trying to make sure I’m set up
to do it all on my own in case anything changes with child support or in case
something changes with my relationship status and I’m left to do it alone.
It’s a lot to process. It feels like everyone just assumes
everything is all good and I’m fine.
I’m not fine.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed and frustrated. I want to be
able to rest and I don’t get to. Any time I get a chance for mental or physical
rest, I get bombarded with other responsibilities and I feel a lot of pressure
to make everything perfect for everyone in my life. I have to keep going and
pretend everything is ok. Act like this is normal.
So I distance myself and deal with it all alone. There don’t
seem to be many people who fully understand what this feels like. I get pulled
in so many different directions on a daily basis and I never feel like I’m
doing enough or that it’s good enough. It’s not how I imagined it would be.
It’s been a rough week, month and year. I’m thankful for God’s
grace in these moments of doubt and frustration. He says I’m good enough. He
says I’m worthy. He says I’m redeemed.
Just sitting here trying not to lose it. Trying to keep it
together for another day. Another couple hours. Even just a few more minutes. I
know there will be rest.
Things will be ok in the end. And if it’s not ok yet, then
it’s not the end. I know God has a purpose in this wrestling. I’ll see it one
day.
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