Transformation Tuesday...on Wednesday

 

December 28, 2016

I have this notebook I take to my work each day. It's full of random thoughts, scriptures and potential blog posts. It dates back to August 2016, which isn't really very long in the grand scheme, but it's amazing to see all I've been through, even just in the past couple months. I started to do better spiritually back in August, but then struggled again for a couple months. A few things I wrote about needed to be brutally edited and intensely prayed over before I could share them with you. I don't want to overshare or post a blog in anger in the heat of a moment. I don't know who all reads my blog, so I want to be super discerning and thoughtful about what I post. I don't want to speak negatively about my ex and the path he's chosen. There's no purpose in it. Of course that doesn't mean I don't have those thoughts at times. I certainly do. I give them to God. Being bitter and negative isn't going to help my spiritual walk at all. Another reason I have postponed this post is because I'm still "Facebook friends" with some who I was involved with when I was at my lowest moments. I've been afraid of being called a liar and a hypocrite. I'm aware of how I use to live. Those who knew me in those times and see me now can speak of the change in my heart. God knows my heart and I'm hoping my testimony speaks for itself and brings all glory to Him! 

So.....here is my post on Trasformation Tuesday....on a Wednesday! 

December 5, 2016

This morning I went to the gym to lift weights. If you know one thing about me, it's probably that I am really into fitness. Or at least I use to be. My fitness journey began in January 2015 and has been very transformational and inspiring to a lot of people. I taught fitness classes for a few months and created fitness plans for my friends and family. I started to develop a pretty big social media following as a result. I posted a lot of gym selfies and mirror selfies using #glutes #abs  #redefiningthemombod and many others when posting. I was in tip top shape on the outside. 

But my heart......

My heart was so sick. I was living in the pit. Involving myself with people and activities that were so unhealthy for my heart. A close friend confronted me a couple months into it all. She told me not to use my fitness journey as an excuse to show off my body. I knew she was spot on. It made me so angry that she was able to see right through me. 

I'd go out drinking and partying with friends, telling my husband I was one place and being somewhere completely different. My dad and my ex would drive up and down the streets of our town trying to find me. Mom would be sitting at home with my sleeping kids while they searched for me. I didn't care. I'd come home at 4 or 5 in the morning (smelling like booze and cigarettes) and acted like it was no big deal. I just expected them to forgive and forget and move on. It was a very dark time in my life. I hurt so many people and lost a couple of godly friendships as a result. 

Today at the gym, I could barely squat 95lbs. That's 40lbs less than my personal record weight of 135lbs back in February 2016. My body isn't as toned and I'm not as strong as I was back then. I only work out on the weeks the kids are with their dad, so there's not as much consistency in my workouts. 

But my heart!

I'm not perfect. My spiritual walk these past couple years has been so up and down. I've fallen and gotten back up time and time again. I finally feel like I've reached some consistency in my life these past couple months. My daughter has been going to play therapy during this transition. It's made a huge difference in how I parent and how I prioritize my time. My relationships with God and my kids are top priorities in my life. I feel so angry with myself for all I did this past year! So angry for how I neglected to be present and take the time to invest in my babies lives. I'm not willing to do that anymore.

Some sacrifices have had to be made. Instead of taking us all to the gym everyday after work, I only go when the kids are with their dad. I do hiit workouts at home after the kids are asleep or before they wake up. I don't feel bad if I miss a day or two (or even a week or two) of working out. There will be time later in life to catch up. I only get one shot at raising my kids. 

 

So my "Transformation Tuesday" pictures may seem odd. I'm posting a picture of myself when I was at my darkest, living in sin. Putting that next to a picture my parents have chosen. I asked my parents to contribute to this blog post. They are closest to me and know where my heart is better than I do at times. They've been with me through it all and care for me more than I deserve. 

I'm thankful just to be alive today. So much could have been different. 

The things you invest your time in are what develop your character. Invest wisely. 

 

The following is written by my Mommy. 

When I look at the first picture of Katie, the first words that come to mind are scared... afraid.

I was scared to know all she was involved in and afraid to ask. I was scared of what she would say to me if I said anything to her about her looks, her focus, her heart, her husband, her children. 

I was scared I would lose her either to death or to the world. I was afraid our relationship would never be sweet.  She was looking beautiful on the outside, but when she opened her mouth not very beautiful things came out. I knew in my heart that what was pouring out of her mouth was what was really in her heart. 

There was no joy, no peace, no kindness to those who loved her the most. 

In short, I was scared I had lost one of my children and afraid of how far down she would go before she looked for the road home to all of us who loved her... no matter what.

When I look at the second picture, I see our daughter again. I see joy, peace and contentment like I've not seen in so long. The second picture was on her birthday a few weeks ago. She is 27 and has the sweet face I saw when she was 2 years old, running around the house happy as could be. She's singing again. She's smiling again. She's sharing what Jesus is doing in her life. She's talking to those of us who love her so much about what she's been through. Most of all, she's laughing out loud again. I missed that! She is still beautiful, but the beauty is pouring from the inside out. 

I love you Katie-girl....FOREVER! 

Here is my Daddy's note 💛

As I look at your old picture, my first thought is, you are scary/skinny. Like a person trying to find themselves in an extreme way. I feel sad because it seemed to reflect a new direction that emphasized looks and while I know you worked hard to achieve that look, looks never last.  You're so gifted at most everything you do and you were very fit but it came with a heavy price. 

The second picture is the happy Katie smile I hope to see everytime I see your beautiful face. I remember a similiar smile of yours when you were expecting Madilynn. You were radiant both inside and out. God has truly gifted you with many gifts to be used by Him to be a blessing to others. Many people comment to me how much they think of you and how happy they are to see you. Your inner light shines through from your heart through your face to those around you. God is counting on using you to be a light. Shine baby shine!  

Love, Dad

I'm so thankful for my parent's hearts and for their willingness to share with you all. They are a testimony of ministering to people where they are at by pouring out God's love to them. 

This song by Natalie Grant speaks to me in a big way. I hope you enjoy it and let it encourage you. 

Thank you for your support!