Immeasurably More

It’s Christmas Eve! Sitting here on my couch pondering where we’re at right now. I can hear my babies in their rooms, watching cartoons on their tablets while I have my coffee and devotional time. A year ago we were on a very different parenting time schedule than we are now. They would go to their dad’s house for an entire week, then come to my house for an entire week.  Over the past year the schedule has gradually changed and now they just go to their dad’s for one day/overnighter every other weekend and I have them the rest of the time. Most of the extra holiday time they would normally spend with their dad, they end up spending with me.  I can’t deny the anger and heartbreak I’ve felt for my kids. The way they’re being pushed away makes my mama bear want to come out and hurt somebody. It’s much harder though for me to see my daughter’s anxiety eat away at her when it’s time for them to visit their dad. I wish we were in a place that confronting him on it was possibl...

Goodness this is tough to write. For a few reasons.  I feel like a failure. Shameful. Guilty. Stressed. Overwhelmed. Less than.  God please help me to only say what is needed.  Help me to be wise. Thoughtful. Loving. Considerate. Truthful, but gaurded.  Let’s jump right in. Don’t pry I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at church, work, the grocery store or wherever and someone asks me what happened. Some people are well meaning and actually do care and want to encourage. Some are just being nosy. In the two minutes I have to chat with you, I’m not going to be able to articulate what happened. You caught me off guard. I’m going to give you an answer that doesn’t give you much information at all. Please respect that.  Why you ask? The decision to go through with a divorce is one I’ve wrestled with for over a year.  It’s taken a long time to come to terms with it. Sleepless nights, begging God to speak out and tell me what to...

I have been trying to process some thoughts today and haven’t really had the chance to completely yet, so I’m going to try now. A couple nights ago, the kids and I were doing some crafts on the living room floor. I kept cutting hearts of different sizes out of paper and the kids kept drawing notes and pictures on the paper hearts. At the end of the night, my daughter gave several hearts to her brother with sweet little messages on them. The next day, we got home from our  regular Wednesday night routine and I was having a very emotional/painful moment. I sat on the couch and just cried. The kids both came up to me, put their arms around me and did their best to try to comfort me. We talked for a while about how it’s ok to cry, I was vague about the reason I was crying but told them my heart was hurting a little. My son ran to his room and after rustling around a bit, he came running back out holding one of the smallest paper hearts his sister had given him from the day before....

There’s been a lot going on in my life these past couple years. Separations, divorce, marriage, court hearings, more separations, another potential divorce, ups, downs all arounds. Add to that financial struggle brought on some by myself and some by the people I allowed into my life. Finding rest in difficulties can feel so out of reach!  What does it mean to find true rest? I’ve spent countless nights tossing and turning and worrying about every tiny detail and playing out every possible scenario. Most of the time I’ll wake up in the morning after a night like that, and feel God ask “Well how was that? What good did that do? Did you solve anything?”  Obviously not. I’ll say I’m laying things down at the feet of God, but then I’ll pick it back up and carry it out the door with me. The bottom line here is that God  is working for us! He is fighting on our behalf! There is no need for us to lay awake at night, fearful of what the morning has in store.  God i...

For the last few days my devotions have been about trusting God. Releasing my anxiety and fears to Him to clear the way for Him to really work. Not to focus on the ending, but to trust He’s working through the journey. Focus on being obedient.  I found myself asking “Ok, so what am I suppose to do after I give this over to God? It’s kind of a pressing situation and will need attention at some point.” Well, Worship! Study God’s word! Encourage others and actively serve God! When He lays something or someone on your heart, act! Praise Him and pray without ceasing! We can better discern God’s voice when we stay close to Him. Plus you are going to grow so much more as a person if you are actively waiting.  Wait a minute...can that even be a thing?? Actively waiting?? Um, yeah! Athletes, musicians and anyone with a goal in mind doesn’t just sit on the couch and wait for the opportunity to fall in their lap! While they are waiting for their chance to perform or ...

Good morning! It’s Sunday morning and I’m just finishing up my devotional time. I think I’ve been studying and worshipping for about an hour. It’s been amazing! God is pulling forward different areas of my life to start working on. I’m nervous, but excited to grow in new ways.  Like I said, I’ve been sitting here for about an hour studying, praying and singing. I know what you’re probably thinking. I’m not bragging, I promise. It’s very unusual for me to get that much time alone with God in the mornings. Usually when I get up in the morning, I workout, make coffee and get about 15-20 minutes of Bible study time. Sometimes it’s even less. My kids are early risers, and lately my son has been waking up as early as 5:30am! I have just barely finished my workout by then!  A couple days ago I had just started my devotions and one of my kids stumbled out of our bedroom into the living room where I was sitting. I was writing out my prayer and I wrote, “God, I’m sorry today...

Remember the valley? When you couldn’t get yourself to stop running after the wrong things? I remember many nights falling face down on the floor, begging God to take away the pain and insecurities. I begged Him to find another way to test me. An easier, less painful way. But He didn’t. Instead, He led me right through the middle of it, never forsaking me. It was a slow process, but it happened!    During my devotions this morning, a verse popped up that struck a chord on my heart. I’m so thankful for where I am today. I’ve felt God work moment by moment on my heart.   I could have easily given up and walked away from God and my relationship with Him. He has done a great work in my life AND He’s not finished! Please don’t give up.   Remember how far He has brought you! Be faithful in your pursuit of Him! He can and WILL do it again!

A few years back I read the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and i t revolutionized the way I thought about relationships with people. I learned you are the ONLY person responsible for your time and finances. WHAT!? Seems like a pretty simple concept, but you don’t realize how much other people influence your choices about how you spend your time and resources. It’s not bad stuff, in fact a lot of what people are asking or suggesting are things I’d enjoy. There are a lot of community, church, and school events going on these days and I just can’t say yes to all of it. People sometimes don’t realize how much everyone else has going on. I always assume everyone is at least as busy as I am. I will usually say yes to something if I can take my kids with me and think it’s something they will enjoy, or if it's something I am really enthusiastic about and childcare is easily available. Just in this last week, I was asked to go to three...

I found the above scripture quote on Pinterest tonight. It very accurately sums up how I feel right now. Even through failure, I will rise and seek God. Even when I sit in darkness and can see no way out, the Lord will be my light. No matter what may come my way, God is there and ready to comfort, strengthen and lead me. The song below is called “It Is Well”. There is a phrase that says “Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all, through it all it is well, it is well with me.”  No matter what, I know God is God. As long as I focus on Him and stay in line with His will for me, all is well and I can continue on.  Rise! The Lord will be your light! Praise Him!                       

I want to write an article that’s been on my heart for a few weeks. I’ve been divorced for almost two years from my first husband and have been remarried for a bit over a year now. Currently my husband and I are separated and not living together. We want to work on our marriage, but we’ve had a few bumps in the road along the way. Navigating blended family relationships has been overwhelming at times and old habits/secrets from the past have brought in a lot of pain as well. I’m hopeful still that God will mend and restore. I’m going through counseling on my own and doing my best to focus on my relationship with God and my kids. I can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to. Right now is a waiting period and sometimes it feels like we are just standing still with no progress. Like I said, I’m hopeful, but trying my best to guard my kids hearts as well as my own heart, and stand firm on boundaries for us all. It’s hard and at times frustrating but very needed!  I...

This morning God’s word spoke to me saying  “Accept your circumstances. Humble yourself.  Don’t be resentful. Rejoice in what God is doing in YOUR life. Let Him handle everything else.” “Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:5 “I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭57:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬ If ever I didn’t have the answers, it’s in this very moment. This moment of hurt. All I know is who I am in Christ. I know my babies need me to stand up for them and protect their hearts.  This won’t make sense to some and but to others, you’ll know exactly what I mean. There comes a point where a choice has to be made when a boundary is crossed. It doesn’t mean you love someone any less. It shows your character and that you will stand up for what you know is right and say no to what is wrong.  Tonight I cling to the truth that God can still use me. Even in the hurt. E...

Today I’m home sick with a sick son and sick stepdaughter as well. We were all up quite a bit during the night for various reasons and I’m plumb tuckered out. As I’m holding hair back for one child and rubbing the back of the other, I received a rather scathing text from my ex in regards to my daughters appearance at her concert the other day. You have no idea how much I had to fight the urge to respond negatively. I typed out and deleted several replies before deciding to ignore it all together.  My dad said some encouraging things to me. He encouraged me to guard my heart from that garbage and to think about all God has done in my life over the last few years to get me to this point. Someone else told me “Dang. Aren’t you glad that’s not you?”  I am.  I’m thankful I find my identity in Christ, not what the world thinks of me. Regardless of my past, the bottom line is I’m forgiven and free. I’m not bound by what people say I am.  This song “Worth ...

I’m snuggling my daughter in her bed with tears in my eyes. It’s almost time for her and her brother to go to their dad’s house for the week. When I married their father, never in my dreams did I imagine I’d have to say goodbye to my children every other week. It’s not something you think about when you’re walking down that aisle to pledge yourself to someone. Not something I thought about having to do when each sweet baby was born. I know there were times I thought “Oh goodness, I could use a break!” Yet, now I have to say goodbye to my children every other Sunday, and my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest. These are the consequences for the choices I made. The choices that seemed worth it at the time. Yet, now the reality is I don’t get to see my children as often as most parents do. I do strive to enjoy the break. I try to be as productive as possible to keep my mind busy. I still take the kids to school everyday, so I do get to see them each morning during th...

“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:14‬ ‭NLT‬ Ever hear the phrase “All you need is love!”? Songs have been written about it. Most people in any kind of relationship understand that not to be the case AT ALL, but somehow we still expect everything to magically work out, as long as we love each other.  Love is not  the answer to everything. Love does, however, create an element of security in relationships. Example: a coworker or associate who lies, cheats, and steals will probably not receive as much grace as your child who does the same. There will, of course, be consequences, but at the end of the day, that child will receive more grace and forgiveness because of your deep love for them.  “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭NLT‬‬ Marriage relationships are complex. We chose to l...

Being married the first time was a shock to me. It brought a lot of new experiences. We were young and immature. We made a ton of mistakes, went through some hard times spiritually, emotionally and financially. We grew up together. Had kids together. Built a life together. It was far from perfect, but we had a lot of good times and made some good memories together. It’s easy to forget all the good and focus on the bad about a person when you’re bitter and hurt. When the life my first husband and I built together came crashing down, people were shocked. We weren’t. There had been so much heartache caused by both of us. I fully accept responsibility for my role in it ending. My ex was loyal until the very end and stood by my side faithfully while I put him through hell the last year of our marriage. I know God has a purpose. His timing and will is above ours. I am remarried. This second marriage has also been a shock and, again, far from perfect. In some ways, being married agai...